The FARMGOLF NEWSLETTER
FarmGolf Super Weekend I Report, Masters Results, Wedding Pictures, Final Issue US Postal Service 39-cent Stamp, and Golf Memorabilia, Nine-Irony Reading, FarmGolf Team Revisions, World’s Strongest FarmGolfer
Founded in the Year 2000 – The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth about FarmGolf
FarmGolf Super Weekend I
(FGP) FarmGolf Super Weekend I was held in extreme weather, as is the case with many of the ongoing events of FarmGolf, which is known to operate in the extreme. The weather forecast, as of Wednesday, April 4th, was cold with snow showers and a high of 35oF.
The weatherman, locally known to be an asshole at times, delivered on his prediction and the night before saw a snowfall of about 2.5 inches. However, the next morning had intermittent period of sunshine, which melted the snow. As the 3:30PM Wedding Tip-off approached, the ground was clear and the group of parking attendants and accompanying guest shuttle personnel, including Cody Thorne, Ed Thorne, David Smith, Drew Phillips and E. Lynn Phillips swung into high gear.
This event was the 2007 Seasonal Highlight of the world’s fastest growing sport, as people traveled from all over the United States to attend this event. The wedding tent featured a large heater, which kept the temperatures inside fairly comfortable during the wedding ceremony.
Nestled in the FarmGolf Clubhouse, the Groom and Groomsmen eased the tension by doing shots of Frangelico. Meanwhile, the Bride and her entourage were making similar preparations at the Commissioner’s residence.*
Libations and elixirs consisting of Red Bull and Jägermeister (most commonly known as Jägerbombs) was the drink of the Bridesmaids – while the bride (after being fastened into her gown), was fancying Parrot Bay Rum. The reason for the difference is CLEAR.
At precisely 3:30PM, give or take a few minutes, the bride and her entourage were escorted to the Clubhouse-Wedding Tent Complex. Delays had not been expected, but unfortunately occurred when the fabulous shuttle personnel assumed the early position of “attendees”. After deliberating how to get to the infamous “bottom of the hill”, the FarmGolf Press Secretary, Rachel Domenico, graciously offered to transport the bride to the Clubhouse.
Meanwhile, back at the Clubhouse, a couple of wedding attendees, who shall remain anonymous, filled up their beer cups and made the short walk to the tent.
Due to FarmGolf’s prestigious ranking as the world’s fastest growing sport, it was decided that two wedding receptions would be necessary. Reception No. 1 was at the Commissioner and Deputy Commissioner residence, and Reception No. 2 was at Lil’ Moe’s party room, which received a significant defumigation, including carpet shampooing, due to this section of the business housing that prehistoric ritual of “smoking” during normal operational hours.
Also, the FarmGolf Poet composed a special reading for the afternoon event. The text of the reading was as follows:
Nine Irony – “Special Reading” – April 7, 2007
It was way back in 92 when they first met,
But it would be many years before, together they would get.
He lit a fire in her eye but the timing wasn’t right.
And although he noticed her he hadn’t a clue his future was so bright.
He built a place to golf at the house where he was living.
Invited some friends over and started the FarmGolf tradition.
She applied to be photographer but had some competition,
But when the flashes were complete what developed was her selection.
Years have past and while we’ve golfed closer they have grown.
There’s been lots of fun, serious times and to Ireland they did roam.
But in all my years of golfing, a better pair, few have I known.
So, we wish them well on this endeavor to make FarmGolf their home.
Reception No. 1 at FarmGolf
Reception No. 2 at Lil’ Moe’s
Activities concluded at about 2AM with the bride and groom hanging out until the close of festivities. A great day was had by all with no arrests, no accidents and only a few alcohol-related headaches the next day in a couple of individuals, who shall remain anonymous.
2007 FarmGolf Masters on Sunday, April 8, 2006
(FGP) Due to inclement weather, only eight golfers participated in this year’s Masters. This was the first time that a four (4) man team was utilized in a FarmGolf Major. Several guests did not participate in golf, although present. Many non-participants helped to cheer on Tiger Woods to defeat in the Masters at Augusta National.
The format was also shortened to nine holes, with one full round of Holes 1 through 6 and a second round of Holes 3 through 5. As the course was mowed five days earlier during the last period of nice weather, play was different that normal. Also, the greens, which are normally mowed the morning of the tournament, were quite slow as mowing had occurred four days earlier.
Josh Halfin won for the third consecutive time, each time with a different team. While some may dispute the quality of this win streak, it is nonetheless a remarkable achievement and has vaulted him to a No. 2 in the World Ranking.
2007 Masters Gallery
What’s a Groom to do the Day After …. Course Maintenance (Photos by Miles Runner)
2007 Masters Scoreboard
FarmGolf Team Revised
(FGP) FarmGolf has revised the FarmGolf Team, officers and members who possess a “special title” within FarmGolf. Some positions have “come and gone” over the years, while some have remained steadfast. Please make note of the new positions when contacting these FarmGolfers.
Some of the new officers and/or new positions within FarmGolf are as follows:
Tiffani Green – Heiress, Deputy Commissioner and Executive Photographer
Neil Creed – Grievance Compliance Director and Winter Fashion Consultant
Larry Smith – 6-time Major Winner and Course Record Holder
Tom Schiefelbein – Equipment Maintenance Superintendent
Ed Thorne – Transportation Coordinator
Kelly Hawkins – Mental Health Counselor
Helen Smith – Associate Photographer
Amber Morrison – Director of Memorabilia Procurement
Miles Runner – Weather Prognosticator
Rachel Domenico – Press Secretary
The oaths of office will be administered at the US FarmGolf Open on June 17, 2007. New officers will be expected to swear their allegiance to the Commissioner and the newly appointed Deputy Commissioner.
World’s Strongest FarmGolfer
(FGP) The 1st Annual World’s Strongest FarmGolfer Event proved to be a total mismatch, as the Vegas odds-on favorite, JH blasted away the competition. FarmGolf decided early on that only initials would be used for this event This way, all of the FarmGolf entrants could enter all of the other “strong man” competitions in the area without the local realizing the unique abilities of FarmGolfers.
JH ranked higher than all of the other entrants, and the vast majority of the spectators present all agreed that he possessed a really, unique and indescribable odor.
One of the attendees, Heather Halfin, stated “that man is in a league of his own” and that “eggs are his best friend”.
With normal weather for next year’s event, it is expected to draw an even larger, more potent field.