The FARMGOLF NEWSLETTER
Bush Defeats Kerry in 2nd Annual FarmGolf Celebrity Challenge, FarmGolf Rents Out Course to D&E Athletic Department, Smith, McCracken and Schola Win FarmGolf PGA, Britney Spears Terminated as Director of Advertising, Howard Dean Accepts Gold Record at Clubhouse
Founded in the Year 2000 – The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth about FarmGolf
Bush Defeats Kerry in 2nd FarmGolf Celebrity Challenge
(FGP) Following up on last year’s very successful Celebrity Golf Challenge, the 2nd Annual FarmGolf Celebrity Challenge pitted a FarmGolf favorite, President George W. Bush, playing against a newcomer, Senator John F. Kerry. President Bush contacted us several weeks ago about the availability of the FarmGolf Course, and our Board of Directors suggested that we get the Massachusetts Senator as an opponent and let the two of them fill the slots for our annual event. Realizing that income would be severely limited, in comparison to last year’s Peterson-Simpson match, we still felt the marketing opportunities were well worth the reduced income from tournament attendees.
FarmGolf decided to also invite some PGA golfers to this special event, as practically all of the world’s major players were playing in a tournament a few hours away in Akron, Ohio beginning a few days later. A few of the PGA players did show up for the 2nd Celebrity Golf Challenge, and offered to help the contestants in a non-partisan way. We were happy with their non-partisan position, and very glad that we hadn’t accepted one nameless Director’s suggestion that we invite well-known rock and roll personalities.
President Bush, with previous golfing experience at the world famous FarmGolf course in October, 2001 and February, 2002 was the prohibitive favorite as play began. With the tight security necessary, only immediate family and friends of FarmGolf, the previously mentioned PGA golfers, and the two participants and family members were permitted to attend the Monday, August 16, 2004 event.
Senator Kerry was very punctual and arrived some thirty minutes prior to the 3PM tee time for the 12-hole event.
Senator Kerry was met by the Commissioner and Club Pro, who briefly summarized the rules of FarmGolf to him. The first decision to be made by the senator was the selection of his three clubs. According to the rules of FarmGolf, which allow the use of no more than three clubs, a player must either choose three irons or use two irons and a putter.
Senator Kerry, never one to make a hasty decision, decided to get obtain some input from his allies. Talking via cell phone to President Jacques Chirac of France and Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder of Germany, he was given the following advice. Chirac told Kerry to use three irons, while Schroeder said to go with two irons and a putter. Kerry, harkening to his French heritage, decided to use a 4-iron, an 8-iron and a wedge.
President Bush arrived promptly at 3PM by way of Marine One, the presidential helicopter. Bush let the visiting Kerry tee off first from Hole No. 1. Kerry’s tee shot faded well to the right, hitting the second Walnut tree. Bush’s tee shot landed in the fairway on the left side.
President Bush ended up with a par on Hole No. 1, while Kerry took two shots to get out of the bunker, ending up with a bogey to go down by one shot.
Kerry puts his tee shot on the 2nd hole just on the back of the green by the pop-up sprinkler, while Bush’s shot goes on the left side of the bench beside the green. Bush chips his second shot to within 1-foot of the cup, while Kerry chuckles awaiting Bush’s next shot.
Kerry putts in from off the edge of the green for a birdie on No. 2, tying the match at even par after two holes. Bush and Kerry both bogey Hole No. 3. Hole No. 4 sees Bush getting a birdie on the longest hole of FarmGolf, while Kerry gets a bogey to go two shots down. Kerry is having some trouble putting with the 4-iron. Both of the golfers par No. 5, the second most difficult hole in FarmGolf.
Finally, it’s time for the very difficult Hole No. 6, which has ruined many a good score. Bush places his tee shot over the pond about 100 yards from the green. Kerry hooks his shot way to the left, almost hitting the Clubhouse for a two-stroke penalty. Bush and Kerry both have their troubles with the No. 6 green with Bush settling for a bogey and Kerry a double bogey. So at the midpoint of the match, it is Bush at +1 and Kerry at +4 at the home of FarmGolf, the world’s fastest growing sport.
A brief intermission at the FarmGolf Clubhouse is interrupted by the sound of a second helicopter coming in for a landing. The unscheduled landing was the Cristophe helicopter from Washington, D.C. carrying Kerry’s personal hair stylist. Senator Kerry stated “I wanted to get well-groomed for any local media that might happen to show up”. FarmGolf stated that it was unlikely for any media to show up due to security reasons and the news blackout. However, if someone had spotted Marine One landing an hour earlier, the possibility of media coverage did exist.
Controversy developed on Hole No. 3 in the second round when it was discovered that Kerry was now using two irons and a putter, a violation of the FarmGolf rule “which states that clubs cannot be switched in the middle of a tournament”. When asked why he had switched clubs, Kerry said “I voted to play with three irons before I voted to play with two irons and a putter”. FarmGolf decided that the violation of rules would entail no penalty, since this was his FarmGolf debut.
With the score standing at Bush +2 and Kerry +6 after nine holes of play, it looked like a miracle comeback would be needed to salvage a Kerry win. At this point, Teresa (pronounced Tuh-ray-zuh) Kerry retired back to the Clubhouse, obviously dismayed at the afternoon’s golfing results to this point.
Hole No. 4 was played at even par by both golfers, leaving Kerry down four shots with only two holes to play. Bush and Kerry both bogeyed the next to last hole. Both players did well on the tough final hole, each scoring a par to end the tournament.
Final results of the 2nd Annual FarmGolf Celebrity Challenge were Bush +3 and Kerry +7 for the 12-hole match. The players shook hands afterward and walked back to the Clubhouse.
Senator Kerry inquired after play was complete, as to whether or not FarmGolf issued medals to participants. The Commissioner said “FarmGolf only presents high-quality polo shirts or tee shirts to winning players in tournament play during the season”. However, this has not always been the case at FarmGolf, as medals were issued during FarmGolf’s initial year. One disgruntled losing participant had thrown his second-place medal over the fence to the right of Hole No. 4, and the FarmGolf Medal Program was immediately discontinued.
After Teresa was awakened, the Kerry entourage left the course in the Hummer SUV and proceeded for the nearly two-hour ride back to their mansion outside of Pittsburgh. The President was congratulated by the FarmGolfers who thanked him for his previous support of FarmGolf, and wished him well in the upcoming election.
US FarmGolf PGA Won by L. Smith, McCracken and Schola
(FGP) Two new FarmGolfers have joined the now elite Team of 12 at the 3rd FarmGolf PGA. Only 12 FarmGolfers have ever won a FarmGolf Major. Below is the tournament breakdown for the last major of 2004. The winning team of Smith-McCracken-Schola took an early lead, then slumped to the middle of the pack in the middle round. The team of Heatherly-Tucker-McKinney played consistently throughout the day, birding the last hole to force another sudden-death playoff.
Teams started at Hole No. 4 and continued until the match was settled on Hole No. 5, the second and final playoff hole. The fifth hole of FarmGolf has decided every major tournament playoff to date, as a bogey seems to be the norm for this hole in sudden-death play.
The table below summarizes the FarmGolf PGA results, and allows FarmGolf’s fans to analyze in detail the intense action of the the world’s fastest growing sport.
Davis and Elkins College Athletic Department Rents Out the FarmGolf Course
(FGP) After numerous requests by various entities over the past three years, FarmGolf finally rented out the course for the first time on Wednesday, August 11, 2004. The stringent FarmGolf criteria were easily met by first-time applicant, Davis and Elkins College of Elkins, West Virginia.
Any applicant wishing to rent out the course of the world’s fastest growing sport should send a resume to email@example.com. Only applicants that are deemed to be “cool” and “having the necessities to promote the sport of FarmGolf” will be accepted, as FarmGolf wants to maintain it’s standard of being one of the most elite courses in the world.
Steve Nida, D&E Golf Coach, quickly caught on to the nuances of FarmGolf with a 2-under par round in mid-afternoon action. Ralph Hill, Athletic Director, and Miles Runner, D&E Alumnus, performed well, with Runner chipping in a shot on Hole No. 4 from about 40 yards out.
A cookout, with over 30 people in attendance held later in the day, completed FarmGolf’s first course rental.
Britney Spears Terminated, Paris Hilton Hired in Dual Role as Director of Advertising and Marketing Director
(FGP) FarmGolf, at the most recent Board of Directors meeting, decided to take action regarding two recently developing problems in the FarmGolf hierarchy. Problem No. 1 was the recently hired Marketing Director, who has not performed to expectations. Problem No. 2 is our association with Britney Spears, which recently has turned into a sideshow, and very similar to her personal life. FarmGolf will continue to host the exclusive Britney songs and the Britney FarmGolf Interview on the website, and we wish her well in her future endeavors.
FarmGolf has concluded that it is necessary to revamp these two important positions. It was decided at the meeting that the two positions would be combined. The new position was offered to recent FarmGolf applicant, Paris Hilton. Ms. Hilton had previously sent a videotape of herself to the Board of Directors showing her qualifications, and it was obvious after several viewings of the videotape that all FarmGolfers could use her unique talents.
As part of her duties, Paris will be attending many FarmGolf events and occasionally issue a report through future newsletters, with her initial report in the next Newsletter.
Howard Dean Presented Gold Record for “Howard Dean’s Crazy Train”
(FGP) Howard Dean, the former presidential candidate from Vermont, stopped by FarmGolf on Sunday August 1, 2004 to accept FarmGolf’s first gold record. The gold record was presented for Howard Dean’s Crazy Train, which to date has been downloaded over 12,000 times from the FarmGolf.com website. Several additional sites host this song and total downloads to date are estimated at 30,000 songs. The major file sharing services also stock this song for your listening enjoyment.
Dr. Dean, whose candidacy imploded soon after this historic release, thanked all FarmGolfers who have kept him in the news for the past several months.