FarmGolf Banquet Held on Dec. 19th, Post-election Letter from the President, Paris Hilton Reports for Duty, October Fall Classic Tournament Results, Two New Poems by Nine Irony, Aerial FarmGolf Hole Pictures Are Now Available, 2005 Calendar Released, FarmGolf Lager to Debut at 2005 Masters

The 3rd Annual FarmGolf Banquet Report

(FGP)  As the finale to yet another record-breaking season of FarmGolf, the Annual FarmGolf Banquet was held on Sunday, December 19, 2004 at a jam-packed Clubhouse.  Even though a near blizzard kicked up about one hour prior to the festivities, nothing could stop chef Dave Miller from finishing his grilled turkey.  After some five hours, the turkey and all of the fixings were ready. Catering was again performed by the talented FarmGolf Staff with an extensively revised menu as follows:

Chef Dave’s Grilled Turkey
Evan’s New Homemade Specialized Mashed Potatoes and Gravy
Doc Creed’s Cranberry Salad
Pam Smith’s Seafood Pasta
Shelby Phillips’s Broccoli Slaw
Kent Smith’s Cajun-style Crayfish
G’s Homemade Pumpkin Pie
Kelly Hawkins’s Homemade Candy
and Mike’s Cabernet and Mike’s Merlot

A special treat for the day was a visit by none other than Santa Claus, who had significantly trimmed down from his last visit to the FarmGolf facility.  Supposedly this new look had something to do with Mrs. Claus recently getting in much better shape on the Atkins diet and giving the old fellow an ultimatum.

At the conclusion of the meal, the 2004 FarmGolf Golfing Awards were presented to the following persons and groups:

Larry Smith – Golfer Of The Year
Eric McGuire – Aerial Photographer of the Year
Howard Dean – Most Outstanding Contribution to Promote FarmGolf
Teresa Kerry – Clubhouse “I Got Really Shit-faced” Award
Davis and Elkins College – Most Outstanding Course Renter
Britney Spears – Former Employee Most Likely to End Up as a Crack Hoe

Mandy Moore, John Mosesso, Lindsay Lohan
Bruce Willis, Nancy Miller, Della Oldaker and Hugh Grant


Post-Election Letter from the President

(FGP)   FarmGolf’s biggest fan, George W. Bush, recently won a resounding victory in West Virginia by 13% over his primary opponent, John F. Kerry.  Bush and Kerry were participants in the second annual FarmGolf Celebrity Challenge in August of this year.  As the vast majority of FarmGolfers supported the President in his re-election, it was fitting that we received the following letter a couple of weeks after the November 2nd election.

G. W. Bush Letter to FarmGolf


“I’m Paris Hilton and I’m Reporting for Duty”

(FGP) Our newly hired Director of Advertising/Marketing Director reported for duty at the Men’s Fall Classic. As she wanted to maintain a low profile at her first FarmGolf tournament event, Paris initially remained secluded at the FarmGolf Skybox to observe the day’s golfing. Paris felt that the “behind the scenes” look at the FarmGolfers in action would assist her in performing her varied duties in this dual position.

Paris stated before the tournament “I feel so lucky that you guys think that I would be able to handle more than one position at a time”. It was quickly pointed out to her that her job application video proved beyond a doubt that she could handle more than one position.

Paris shows off the view from the FarmGolf Skybox at the signature No. 1 Hole to her friend, Lindsay Lohan, as she listens to “Doc” Creed explain how difficult it is to win a FarmGolf Major and how lucky a woman, or for that matter two women, would be to spend some quality time alone with a FarmGolfer.

After completion of her FarmGolf orientation, Paris spent a couple of hours talking to most of the FarmGolfers at the FarmGolf Skybox.  She wanted to personally introduce herself to everyone before venturing down to the Clubhouse for the post-golfing celebration.

The debut of her periodical “The Paris Report” will kick off in early January, well before the next FarmGolf newsletter.  She will definitely bring a different perspective to FarmGolf and we are sure that you will want to stay tuned.


Women’s Fall Classic Canceled Due to Weather and Men’s Tournament Results

(FGP)   Severe weather on Saturday, October 16th prohibited play in the Women’s FarmGolf Fall Classic.  Heavy winds and rain occurred throughout the day, and play was finally canceled in the late afternoon.  This tournament will be rescheduled in the spring of 2005.

The following day had much better weather for the Men’s Tournament.  David Turner came out of retirement to play a portion of the tournament, before giving way to Rookie FarmGolfer, Gary Shaffer.  As the Fall Classic is not one of the four major tournaments, no special awards were presented.  However, it should be noted that to win even a single tournament at FarmGolf in one’s lifetime is a very significant event in itself.  Tournament results can be found in the following table.

2004 Fall Classic Scoreboard

The most memorable event of the day was when Neil Creed coined his infamous phrase “My drive, my wedge and my chip” as he eagled the last hole by himself and made sure all of the crowd was aware of this particular fact.  While some likened this moment to “Babe Ruth calling his shot in baseball”, others merely said that this is sure to become one of the many events that will go down in history at site of the world’s fastest growing sport.

Those remaining in the tournament crowd immediately after the conclusion of golfing were in for a special treat as the moon rose over the course a bit later.


2005 FarmGolf Calendar

(FGP)   The 2005 FarmGolf Calendar was handed out to all attendees of the 3rd Annual FarmGolf Banquet.  The calendar also features 13 pictures and collages from FarmGolf of the events within the past twelve months.

FarmGolf Dreamin’
By Nine Irony

All the greens are brown and the sky is grey.
I’ve been for a walk . . on Number One fairway.
I’d feel safe and warm, if I could only play.
FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.

 The clubhouse is like a church, quiet now all day.
Well, I got down on my knees and checked an empty keg.
You know The Commissioner left the course, but he knew that I would stay.
FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.

 All the greens are brown and the sky is grey.
I’ve been for a walk . . on Number One fairway.
I could play the Cayman’s, if Dave gets the job right away.
FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.

FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.

FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.

FarmGolf Aerial Shots of All Six FarmGolf Holes Released

FarmGolf Lager to Debut in the Spring of 2005

(FGP)   In another innovation of the world’s fastest growing sport, the next FarmGolf Major Tournament will feature the debut of genuine FarmGolf Lager.  Brewed by Master Brewmeister, Jim McCracken, this unique beverage will be made with natural ground waters obtained from the water table beneath the FarmGolf course.

Initially FarmGolf Lager will be available only to FarmGolfers.  Look for more details on this upcoming product in late February.


The Off Season
By Nine Irony

The off season makes me wonder
About expressions thrown asunder.
Things you hear every day
As you travel down life’s highway.

Like “If wishes were horses beggars would ride.”
Where would they go and be satisfied?
Or “Once bitten, twice shy.”
If you took no chances, would you ever fly high?

“Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.”
If you fooled me once would you get a second opportunity?
“Once begun its half done.”
Seems only true when the task is fun.

If you are “Lucky at cards, unlucky at love.”
Could you not win enough to rise above?
You think you’d “rather be lucky than good.”
When you’re luck runs out, no one knows where you stood.

“If it’s meant to be it will be.”
Those who buy no ticket win no lottery.
Everyone says “Time will tell.”
However, if time runs out, then who tells?

If you ever just made it to the bathroom in time,
Or avoided hitting another car, by stopping on a dime,
You can’t believe the next one is true.
“Close only counts in hand-grenades and horseshoes.”

Being “blinded by the light” seems to makes sense
When you’re told not to walk into it.
But if there is no light, you could not see.
Again, it seems so contradictory.

“Money isn’t everything”, with this I agree.
But don’t pay you’re taxes and you’re no longer free.
For those who say “money doesn’t grow on trees” I say, well,
You have never had timber to sell.

“Times are tough” yes, it seems that way.
But they are no tougher than any yesterday.
“Life is a crap sandwich and every days another bite.”
But you’ll eat that sandwich to sustain your life.

“He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day” and
“A good run is better than and bad stand,’
Say the same thing and that is grand.
But should you be fighting if you can’t make a stand?

There are many more expressions in the human race.
And I guess each one has its place.
I could go on but “enough is enough.”
This is what I do, when not playing golf.