5th Annual FarmGolf Banquet Held,  2006 FarmGolf Calendar Released,   FarmGolf 2005 –­ The Year in Review,  Spring Celebrity FarmGolf Challenge Scheduled,  Nine Irony Poem, Attends Sugar Bowl,  2006 Masters Scheduled

Founded in the Year 2000 – The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth about FarmGolf

5th Annual FarmGolf Banquet Report

(FGP)  The annual FarmGolf Banquet was held on Sunday, December 11th.  Our Director of Advertising and Marketing Director, Paris Hilton, made a brief appearance during festivities, along with a friend, Lesya Levina, an actress from the Ukraine.  Special entertainment was provided by “The Sparks Babies”.

The 2005 FarmGolf Banquet Menu
Chef Dave’s Grilled Turkey
Larry’s Barbecued Mozzarella Shrimp
Tiffani’s Green Beans, Creamed Spinach and Crab Dip
E. Lynn’s Potato Salad
Nancy’s Cole Slaw and Dinner Rolls
G’s Homemade Pumpkin Pie
Paris’s Sluit poupée Pie
and Mike’s Cabernet, Shiraz and Merlot

Several additional FarmGolfers arrived later in the evening, just in time for the annual award presentation.

2005 FarmGolf Awards
Bill Bowers -­ Part-­time Golfer of the Year
Jim McCracken -­ Brewmeister of the Year
Howard Dean -­ Best Professional Concealment of a Sausage Mixture of Pork and Beef
Becky Haddix, Tiffani Swanson and Maria Voreh -­ Most Photogenic Women’s Team
G Sparks -­ Most Fertile FarmGolfer
Neil Creed -­ Golf Shot of the Year
Paris Hilton ­- Special Award for Professional Journalism
Andrea Fiamberti -­ Biggest European FarmGolf Fan

A couple of photos from the 2005 banquet are shown below.

Left to Right ­ G. Sparks, Evan Heatherly (in background), Della Sparks, Tiffani Swanson, Lynn Phillips, Lesya Levina and Paris Hilton
Left to Right ­ Neil Creed, Paris Hilton and Tiffani Swanson


2006 FarmGolf Calendar Released

(FGP)  The new and improved 2006 FarmGolf Calendar was released just prior to Christmas. An extensive collection of collages is the main new feature of this year’s calendar. Additionally, several new  FarmGolf Major Winners birthdays appear for the first time.

The cover picture is shown below, along with the January photo and January calendar.


FarmGolf 2005 –­ The Year in Review
by The Commissioner

(FGP)   The past year saw many changes occur in the world’s fastest growing sport. Beginning in January, we welcomed our new Director of Advertising and Marketing Director, Paris Hilton, and the debut of the first issue of The Paris Report.  Also, a song excerpt from her long ­delayed, upcoming album was released exclusively to FarmGolf. Bringing record traffic to the Website, this song excerpt is still available and was our most popular download for 2005.  The song even broke the longstanding record for Howard Dean’s Crazy Train.  It should be noted, that Paris wasn’t totally happy with this version of the song, and now a revised version will appear on the final album release.

February saw the resignation of Linda Riffle, Special Assistant to the Commissioner.  She moved to Atlanta to pursue other endeavors.  We all wish her the best in the future.  The Board of Directors decided not to make a new appointment for this position.

March concluded with the second issue of The Paris Report, just prior to the FarmGolf Masters.  Paris even came down to help with course preparation and started addressing fan mail received at  Sadly, we must report that she is really way too busy to respond to much of the mail, so those that do receive a response should be considered quite fortunate.

The first major of the year saw Bill Bowers and two teammates, Chris Bowers and Steve Buckhannon, win the 2005 FarmGolf Masters.  This was Bill’s second Masters win.

Also, the debut of FarmGolf Lager was the hit of the FarmGolf Master’s tournament, with the initial batch quickly selling out.  Brewmeister, Jim McCracken, was saluted with the top brewing award.  Also, Paris posed for the label of FarmGolf Lager.

The lone remaining bottle was sold on the open market to Evan Heatherly for $100.00. However, it was rumored that he actually received a discount from the seller, G. Sparks.

The 2005 Masters also had two volunteer photographers, Tiffani Swanson and Maria Voreh, who each took an extensive collection of photos.  A significant improvement to FarmGolf newsletters resulted, with the greatly increased number of photos capturing a lot more FarmGolf action.

In May, the FarmGolf Celebrity Parking Garage was completed, so as to securely store some of our most important visitor’s cars during FarmGolf competition.  A report on the garage project was included in the 3rd edition of The Paris Report.  This edition also included tips for women on how-to-pickup a FarmGolfer, in which Paris used her boyfriend’s cousin, Madonna, as a decoy at the local bar, Lil’ Moe’s, where many FarmGolfers hang out.

The second major, the 2005 US FarmGolf Open, was held in June with long­time second place finisher Josh Halfin teaming up with Stan Fitzwater and Bobby Kelly for the win.

Also, the Commissioner and newly­ appointed full-­time photographer, Tiffani Swanson, went to Las Vegas to attend a photography convention and investigate a potential site for a course on the Las Vegas Strip.  The visit was very productive as a site between the Aladdin Hotel and the MGM Grand Hotel was purchased.  A three-­hole course is now under construction on this property, and a detailed report will be included in a future newsletter.  This course will eventually be expanded to six holes, with players stopping in the air-­conditioned Clubhouse area, complete with gaming devices and sports betting area, prior to continuing onward to the four through six holes.

In July, the 2005 British FarmGolf Open was held with Bill Bowers again winning, while teamed with Chris Bowers and Mike Richardson.  This tournament also experienced some slow play, which necessitated a rules change to FarmGolf.

FarmGolf switched one of the beers on tap, replacing Heineken with Newcastle Brown Ale.  Heineken will return in the near future, but FarmGolf is always at the forefront of not becoming stagnant and predictable.

Another problem developed as  Nine Irony, the FarmGolf Poet, went on strike.  The strike was eventually settled two months later.  In the meantime Nine Irony began plans for going on the road to manage the new entertainment marvel, “The Sparks Babies”.

August featured the final major, the 2005 FarmGolf PGA tournament, with the previously slow­ playing team of Brian Smith, Neil Creed and Chad Smith victorious.

A wild, women’s tournament was held in late August with Jägermeister Evan Heatherly bartending.  Tournament action was briefly interrupted as some guy, with whom the bartender had been conversing, named “Lonnie” stopped by for a brief visit.

In September, the official Tailgate was initiated at all home WVU football games.  The large forest green banner with orange and white lettering towered over the Blue Lot at the northern end of the stadium for all home games.

Nine Irony eventually ended his strike in September, signing a 3-­year contract.

October featured the combined two men and one woman tournament.  The team of Neil Creed, Mike Green and Tiffani Swanson were the victors.

Also, in November came the 4th edition of The Paris Report, with a summary of a course upgrade at the New York City course, going to the Cream concert at Madison Square Garden, and some new FarmGolf gossip.

Also, Larry Smith brought out his DR Field Mower to work on some brushy areas adjacent to the FarmGolf course to help maintain his rather shaky No. 1 Ranking.

The final tailgate occurred on Thanksgiving night, in single digit temperatures.  A new page was developed to show some of the visitors stopping by the tailgate during the 2005 season.

December completed our season with the annual banquet, 2006 Calendar, and for some a trip to Atlanta for the Sugar Bowl.

The upcoming 2006 season will include many exciting things, including another FarmGolf Celebrity Challenge, another FarmGolf beer, new types of FarmGolf informational reports and some other surprises.  Paris will continue to do The Paris Report, but probably not as frequently as in 2005.

And that’s it for January 29, 2006

The Commissioner

Preliminary Plans Underway for the 3rd FarmGolf Celebrity Challenge

(FGP)   One of the more popular events over the past few years has been the FarmGolf Celebrity Golf Challenge.  In the spring of 2003, the first event pitted Scott Peterson against O. J. Simpson.  Over 4,000 people attended the inaugural event, that had a most unusual conclusion.

Then in August of 2004, George W. Bush squared off against John Kerry in the second FarmGolf Celebrity Golf Challenge.  Bush ended up defeating Kerry by four strokes.  Turnout was much smaller for this event due to security reasons.  The challenge also featured several prominent professional golfers, who assisted in the event.


Hidden MessageBy Nine Irony

FarmGolf poems are usually topical.
And at times they are almost optical.
Reckon when the weathers less than tropical,
My thoughts aren’t very philosophical.

Guess I’m trying to meet expectations,
Often filling you with elations.
Little tricks used to test perception,
Find the message by observation.

Refracting light like a prism,
Understanding it’s not symbolism,
Learning life using syllogisms
Effectiveness without egotism,
Solve it now and tell the Commission(er). Pictures from
the 2006 Sugar Bowl

(FGP)   FarmGolf sent the Commissioner, Photographer, No. 1 FarmGolfer and his wife to the 2006 Sugar Bowl, where West Virginia defeated Georgia 38­-35.  The following pictures show New Year’s Eve, pre­-game activities at the WVU Fan Center and end of the game photos.

New Year’s Eve Peach Drop
Collective Soul

Look for the banner again this fall at all of the West Virginia University home football games, in the Blue Lot between the northern end of the stadium and Ruby Hospital.


FarmGolf Masters on Sunday April 9, 2006

(FGP)   The first tournament of the 2006 season will feature several new “rookie” players making FarmGolf debuts.  Once again proving that FarmGolf is retaining it’s position as  the world’s fastest growing sport.

The format will be three players per team, with each team playing three rounds of golf for a total of 18 holes.  Play will begin around 1PM.

All participants, especially those wanting to get “ranking points”, should bring a covered dish item for the FarmGolf buffet.