DEBUT ISSUE
Hello, I’m Paris Hilton and I am really, really excited about my new part-time job at FarmGolf. !!! It is so much fun, as I quickly found out after being invited last year to one of their tournaments. These guys are just so freaking cool. !!! So, it’s really no surprise to me why FarmGolf has quickly become the world’s fastest growing sport.
A BEHIND THE SCENES LOOK
My first visit to FarmGolf was in late 2003. My sister, Nicky, and I were traveling to West Virginia to ski and we heard about a Christmas party happening nearby. Actually, it was the annual FarmGolf Banquet and we just showed up and had a really great time. My sister hooked up with a guy named Drew and I never saw her again until the next morning.
Anyhow, we really got trashed at that party and I knew then that FarmGolf was going to be a big part of my future. I was so busy last year that it wasn’t until fall that I had a chance to come back to the FarmGolf course. I’d even played the New York City course a couple of times in the spring, but I think it really just doesn’t compare. There’s just nothing like an original, you know.
So back in August I was talking to the Commissioner and Club Pro on the phone, when they told me about all of the problems they were having with their new Marketing Director. And even Britney Spears, their Director of Advertising just wasn’t doing her job anymore. So, they asked me for any advice that I might have and I said that FarmGolf was so cool that I’d help out if I could.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I came to the next tournament, the Marketing Director never showed up and the FarmGolfers decided to fire Britney, and voila, here I am, Paris Hilton, FarmGolf Director of Advertising and Marketing Director.
Unfreaking-unbelievable.
Another thing that’s really hip is the bathroom, it has a urinal in it and the really cool women use it, instead of going up to the Commissioner’s house. I had to use the urinal several times before I got my official U-Team tee-shirt. The first time was pretty hard and a couple of the guys had to help me with my aim, but then every time it seemed to get easier and easier.
So, this is the first Paris Report, and I’m going to update it every couple of months or so and keep everybody current as to the happenings at the home of the world’s fastest growing sport. Jeez, FarmGolf is really hot!
Paris Is Burning – Album To Be Released Soon
My first album is nearly complete and I wanted to share a bit of it with the FarmGolfers and all of their friends. One of my favorite songs is Screwed, and it’s also definitely one of my favorite pastimes.
Anyhow, the record company Heiress Records said I could release an excerpt to help promote the FarmGolf website. So, here’s about two minutes of the five minute song.
I really love to crank this song up to the max at the FarmGolf Clubhouse and get down on the top of the bar. With the lights and all of the other atmosphere at the Clubhouse, it’s just so far out. I mean, where else can you get so into the music and groove with so many really cool people.
FarmGolf GOSSIP
One of the FarmGolfer wives was very disappointed that a “Dirty Dancer” never made it to this year’s FarmGolf Banquet . . . The guy they call “Hefner” at the women’s tournaments was recently caught in a comprising position out behind the Clubhouse . . . Rumor has it that Carlaiitis might make a comeback in 2005 . . .
It would appear that the average FarmGolfer is, well to put it bluntly, well above average! . . . And a warning about those FarmGolf Sand Traps, they can be quite irritating . . . Is there really an Assistant Club Pro? Hmmm, if there is I’ve never met him . . . And in one of the most bizarre things about FarmGolf, why do they call Moe little? . . . One thing that really gets me hot is to have the FarmGolf Poet read his entire collection of poems, which I never seem to make it to the last poem if you know what I mean . . . And another thing, I know Miles is an older guy, but he’s so hot! . . . And finally a FarmGolf Tip to all the girls partying at the FarmGolf Clubhouse. Don’t wear panties, which are so hot, when trying to use the urinal. I wouldn’t know this tip, other than for the fact that I never wear them!
