The FARMGOLF NEWSLETTER


FarmGolf Receives $600,000 Government Grant
Britney Celebrates Her 21st Birthday at the Clubhouse
FarmGolf Begins Equipment Testing


Founded in the Year 2000 – The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth about FarmGolf

President George Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney Attend Grant Announcement Ceremony at Clubhouse

(FGP)  An early phone call from the White House on the morning of December 3rd, 2002 caused quite a commotion at FarmGolf.  We were told to assemble for a major announcement by the President himself later that day.  Hurriedly, calls were placed to FarmGolfers throughout the country to plan for as large a turnout as possible for the 3PM ceremony.  While we would have appreciated a little more time for planning, a private entity such as FarmGolf cannot complain about the time of disbursement when receiving government monies   Several golfers came to the ceremony either from work or from nearby hunting trips, which explains the varied attire of the individuals in the following picture.

(left to right: Jenna Bush, David Smith, Bill Bowers, Britney Spears, Bill Hevener, Senator Robert Byrd, Tom Wolfe, Lynn Phillips, Vice-President Dick Cheney, President George W. Bush, Mike Green, Bill Smith, John Johnston, Judy Smith, Congresswoman Shelley Moore Capito, David Miller, Ric Williams, John Mosesso, Ron Pickering and Scott Springer)

The awarding of the $600,000 government grant to improve the facilities of FarmGolf will allow for the construction of several bunkers, an initial condominium unit, and will also have a significant portion of the total available grant to “study the sexual habits of young female celebrities in varied FarmGolf situations, such as summer camps, all-night drinking and training sessions”.  Monies had been requested for these items back in February, 2002 during a celebrity golf tournament featuring two former Presidents and other sports celebrities.  See the February 19th Newsletter for the previous celebrity tournament details.

FarmGolf also took the unprecedented action of naming a portion of the Clubhouse in honor of Senator Byrd.  From this point on, the FarmGolf Urinal will be known as the “Robert C. Byrd Urinal”.  See the below picture for a close-up view of this now historic facility.

A small reception was held after completion of announcements in the Clubhouse with finger foods and all legal beverages being made available.  Senator Byrd later remarked that he was “glad to see that no members of the colored persuasion were present”.  It was explained to him that all races have participated in the sport of FarmGolf and it was a mere coincidence that no minorities had attended the ceremony.

Later, a somewhat dismayed Byrd had to personally test the newly dedicated facility.  After initially utilizing the slightly taller plumbing structure to the immediate left, he stated that “at my Senate office the urinal is located to the left”.

 

Britney Celebrates Her 21st Birthday at FarmGolf

(FGP)   As Britney Spears has been a regular at FarmGolf since its inception, it was only fitting that she would want to spend her 21st birthday with her all of her buddies at the Clubhouse.  She arrived at the golfing complex about 6PM on December 2, 2002.  A big decision would then await her as she entered the Clubhouse for her first legal beverage, whether to drink Heineken or Labatt Blue.  She decided to alternate beers and consumed a number of draft beers totaling into lower double figures.  As the evening wore on, some of the original bar games invented by FarmGolf were played.  Pictured below at left, two golfers play that fun game called “Squeezum” with Britney.  On the right, several FarmGolfers watch as Britney inspects her birthday cake, as another club member plays the most favorite bar game of FarmGolf.

 

Inaugural PotatoGun Tournament

(FGP)    A variation of FarmGolf, PotatoGun FarmGolf, was first practiced on November 24th.  The game consists of using a potato gun to tee off and playing the remainder of each hole using the regular clubs.  The gun is loaded in the normal fashion and the golf ball is seated in the end of the barrel and is launched as the potato makes a high speed exit from the gun.  Skill is needed in making a good tee shot, with the proper amount of fuel, the angle of the tee shot and by acquiring consistent techniques after playing several holes.

The highlights of the day were the Mexican Buffet prepared by the newly appointed Special Assistant to the Commissioner, Linda Riffle, and a tee “shot” on No. 2 which landed about eight feet from the cup and eventually resulted in the first recorded birdie in PotatoGun FarmGolf History.

Bad weather has resulted in no FarmGolf play during the month of December.

 

FarmGolf Institutes Mandatory Equipment Testing to Maintain It’s Standards of High Quality

(FGP)   All active FarmGolf equipment is now being tested on a regular basis to insure consistency and continuity.  All materials are thoroughly evaluated to insure proper working order and to validate the accuracy of all pertinent data and records within all present and future FarmGolf activities.  Pictured below is one of our testers upon completion of another satisfactory test.

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