The Complete Nine Irony Poemography

See the Nine Irony Statue at FarmGolf's New York City Course 
just off 78th Street and Central Park West


Winners and Losers
(2017) – Nine Irony

Drain that swamp, build that wall!
Let’s make America great and tall.
“Not my President” so you’re sayin’,
I’ll bet all your trophies are for participation.

Here’s what I say you freakin’ jerks.
Suck-it-up and make it work!
We’re all in it together… like it or not,
So, get with the country you little snots!


The FarmGolf Poet (2013) – Nine Irony

A crime has been committed, 12  gallons wasted.
Sweet Bud Light that never got tasted!
How could this be?  Does anyone know it?
Is it due to the absence of the FarmGolf Poet?

 When he returns, and one day he will,
He’ll make up for lost time as he begins to swill.
And for each event he will not be tardy,
As he tries to re-live the best four person party.

 And if he’s not carefull he’ll end up so stoned,
It will remind you of Eric’s $50 K road!
But the Poet is cool rarely losing composure,
Even when the girls begin their exposure!

So let the beer flow and good times begin,
Here’s to you …till I see you again!


 Blues to Black & Gold (2011) – Nine Irony

As I sit here and FarmGolf ponder,
Watching the snow pile deeper over yonder,
I can’t help yearn for warm summer days,
Watching the action from the clubhouse haze.

Yes, its January, that most depressing time,
When clock of old man winter hits every chime.
When your balls are too cold to hit in frozen grass,
So, you keep them tucked away between the cheeks of your…I mean, till winter does pass.

But wait…What’s this….A party in Feb!
A bright spot in winter, to shake the blues instead!
And wouldn’t it be great to top off the deal, Sirs,
If the Super Bowl was won, again, by the Steelers!


Earth Day (2009) – Nine Irony

 We bask in the glow of celebratory fires,
Fueled by somewhere near four hundred tires,
As we filled the wetlands to make new fairways,
We caught all the gophers and sent them away.

 Yes, we love this Earth as we shape it with tractors,
Making new greens, ponds, and sand trappers.
Now that it is done, it is a sight to behold,
But boy it’s hot out here with no ozone!


Perez who? (2009) – Nine Irony

If you don’t want the gate to hit you in the ass as you walk through,
Hold on to it, is what I say to you!
Don’t ask a question concerning someone’s opinion,
If you’re not prepared for something against your agenda.

 You were looking for, I’m sure, the PC answer,
Probably dreamt about it I would say, sir.
But in the heat of the moment with no time to think,
Miss CA answered honesty and sincerely in a blink.

 Nothing against the winner she is a fine deserving girl,
She’ll represent well when the flag unfurls.
But on integrity alone Miss CA should have won,
Because the asker of the question obviously has none.


What Increases Long Life? – Nine Irony

I am often strong you see,
Or the last thing you say.
Some are called by me,
Others make it happen their way.
You may go along with me,
Because you have no power to stay.

HINT:  The answer to the first poem is in the title.  Each line of the poem refers to it.


A Summary Day – Nine Irony

The British Open at a Glance

Jokes, like gossip, sometimes can sting.
Let us forget all that and do the FarmGolf thing.
It was a beautiful day just outside of town.
Made better, only if, a car-load-of-strippers broke down.

They golfed like mad at the British Open.
But Doc had no one golf with so, he was a scopin’.
But when it was over, it really wasn’t.
It took 5 more holes, for death not so sudden.

It was a great day, so, enough of these quips.
Because everyone enjoyed beer, fish, and chips!


U-Team Rap – Nine Irony

Say, you gotta’ go pee-pee.
But you don’t have a wee-wee.
And the only way to do it,
Is to stand up while you use it.

And you realy gotta’ go,
But you just don’t know,
How to use this vessel,
Without making a mess, OH!

You can join the U-Team.
Use it while the crowd screams.
Pull up your dress, clear to your chest.
Or down your shorts, clear to the floor.

Then let it fly and wait…. till….it….dries.
Yeah, wait…..till…..it …..dries.

You can back it in.
Or a front-hip-thrust will win.
Some try to spread it wide,
With a leg up the side.

No matter how you do it,
You feel better once you’ve used it.
And everyone will know,
Cause your shirt will tell them so, OH!

You can join the U-Team.
Use it while the crowd screams.
Pull up your dress, clear to your chest.
Or down your shorts, clear to the floor.

Then let it fly and wait…. till….it….dries.
Yeah, wait…..till…..it …..dries.

Word, to your Mother!


Ode To Curtis Bodkins – Nine Irony

As I sit and listen to the Colts defeating Braxton,
I’m taken back 22 years before the current action.
My Colts Team went six and four and for the first time,
For more than twenty years, established a winning frame-of-mind.

It was the fire in our eyes that made you know we’d win.
The same fire you see in Bodkins’ eyes that bring that winning grin.
His players must feel it, you can tell, just look at how they play.
And the coaching staff also has so many winning ways.

It’s not just football where Curtis is this intense.
His wife Carrie is expecting and we are all in suspense.
But I want to discuss what happened three or four weeks back.
When I witnessed the Bodkins FarmGolf course attack.

 You see Curtis was a man possessed; he did not need a team,
Because he made a hole-in-one and chipped in four from off the green.
And while he won the tourney by scoring minus thirteen,
He missed by one stroke the record set by Smith, Smith and Green.

But I was impressed, never-the-less and continue to be.
Even though I finished second, which makes three outta three.
Curtis Bodkins is the man of this there is no doubt.
Wins at golf, wins at football, and makes the fans shout!


FarmGolfers Unite – Nine Irony

Burning the flag, our nation’s symbol,
Those people’s brains wouldn’t fill half a thimble.
I mean, come on, the only reason you can,
Is because of the very thing for which it stands.

 The politicians want to make a law,
“No burning allowed” and that is all.
But another law will bring more discontent,
And another unnecessary decision on which tax dollars are spent.

 What we need is to meet in the middle,
No law is needed; listen to the man playing fiddle.
The burners need to learn respect.
Both how to have and earn it, I expect.

As all controversies go, this too shall pass,
But if you burn our flag, we’ll kick your ass!!


Think I’ll Stay – Nine Irony

(The Boyfriend’s Response to Kelly Clarkson’s Walk Away)

Yes it’s true we talk about you, you’ve no clue
Cause no one tells me what to say.
I know you’re smart.
But Cupid’s arrows can’t touch my heart,
Cause your loves the shield that keeps them away.

Blame is not the game you see.
Keep your trigger on safety and
I agree the situations getting old.
But when I talk you don’t listen to me.

You have my full attention.
And there is no question of
Should I stay or should I go.
Our feelings are mutual
If you don’t know now soon you will.
Hey Hey Hey Hey
I think I’ll stay.
I think I’ll stay. I think I’ll stay.

What is the trash about after school?
I always apply the Golden Rule.
I don’t do unto you as you’ve done to me.
Mostly, you’ve treated me good it’s true,
But I’ve always been there for you.

You have my full attention.
And there is no question of
Should I stay or should I go.
Our feelings are mutual
If you don’t know now soon you will.
Hey Hey Hey Hey
I think I’ll stay.
I think I’ll stay. I think I’ll stay.

I’ll give you love.
A blazin’ fire.
You’ll feel the burn
Of my desires
I’ll be the man by your side.
Never will you see me hide.
Fight, die, live, and breathe for you,
But I want you to know.
Lovin’ is a two way street and
Half way down we must meet
If you want our love to grow.

You have my full attention.
And there is no question of
Should I stay or should I go.
Our feelings are mutual
If you don’t know now soon you will.
Hey Hey Hey Hey
I think I’ll stay. I have the answer.
I’ll stay. I think I’ll stay.
I’m staying with you.!


Hidden Message – Nine Irony

 FarmGolf poems are usually topical.
And at times they are almost optical.
Reckon when the weathers less than tropical,
My thoughts aren’t very philosophical.

Guess I’m trying to meet expectations,
Often filling you with elations.
Little tricks used to test perception,
Find the message by observation.

Refracting light like a prism,
Understanding it’s not symbolism,
Learning life using syllogisms
Effectiveness without egotism,
Solve it now and tell the Commission(er).


Running on Season’s End – Nine Irony

So we’ve reached the season’s end
Of the line for FarmGolfing my friends
All gathered at the course you see
It all started on Aug 14th

Was the date the men all gathered
Their clubs all worn and tattered
Were the players from the heat
Was on as five teams compete
With each other we sure did
Our best to be FarmGolf’s star kid.

 OK – enough running on.
That’s not the way a good poem is done.
Here is the story of the men’s tourney.
Then I’ll follow with the ladies story.

 The men played two rounds of six,
Before taking a break to get their kicks.
After which, the scores were posted.
Four teams were tied and no team was toasted.

 Then they played the final round.
There were no hackers to be found.
When it was all said and done,
There was only one team that won.

 But even though they did not win,
They went from last to third as neat as a pin.
“Who is that team?” the cheering fan barks.
And the answer returns Smith, Voreh, and Sparks.

 As tournaments go, the men’s was tame.
It is the ladies who know how to play the game.
Two teams competed this day you see.
And they both played more than satisfactorily.

 The “Incredibles” had Sandy, Rhonda, and Tina,
While the “Free Spirits” were Tiffani, Becky, and Maria.
They started the play with the men as the caddies.
The clubhouse was rockin’ and bartender Evan was chatty.

Tina had never golfed before,
But sunk a put to go one under par.
After Rhonda put them on the green.
This was enough to win the first round clean.

 It was decided to play second six.
The “Incredibles” put Kelly in the mix,
Tina played well don’t you know,
But, unfortunately, she had to go.

 The second round went a little slower.
The Jaeger-bomb dropped, what a mind blower.
“Evan is gay?” – DEFINITELY not.
But his come backs aren’t too hot!

And could someone tell me, “Who the hell is Lonnie?”
He keeps calling Evan and interrupting his story.
Back to the golf, these sideline antics,
Didn’t make the Free Sprits panic.

 Sometimes they were three, sometimes six.
The caddies kept working despite extra sticks.
When the round ended to everyone’s surprise
Would you believe the thing was a tie?

 Sudden death it was, the pressure was on.
They teed off and sky wanted to storm.
The Incredibles prevailed and that’s no joke.
Super Rhonda made the putt to win by a stroke.

 Thus ends the season of FarmGolf this year.
Put away the clubs drink up the beer.
Because you know we must turn our attention,
To the Mountaineers and the Big East contention.

 You’ll hear from me next after the Christmas party.
I promise you that I won’t be tardy.
And for my fans who are fanatically,
Next season I’ll write and not take sabbatical.


A Toast to the New Season – Nine Irony

Here is a toast to the noble FarmGolfer
Raise your glass full of the new lager
Drink long, drink deep, because soon you will be
Walking the links in groups of two or three

 The lowest score wins, that is the fairest
Highest wins too, since we now have Paris
Best of luck this season is all I have to say
My glass is empty …. get out of my way!

The Off Season
By Nine Irony

The off season makes me wonder
About expressions thrown asunder.
Things you hear every day
As you travel down life’s highway.

 Like “If wishes were horses beggars would ride.”
Where would they go and be satisfied?
Or “Once bitten, twice shy.”
If you took no chances, would you ever fly high?

 “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.”
If you fooled me once would you get a second opportunity?
“Once begun its half done.”
Seems only true when the task is fun.

If you are “Lucky at cards, unlucky at love.”
Could you not win enough to rise above?
You think you’d “rather be lucky than good.”
When you’re luck runs out, no one knows where you stood.

 “If it’s meant to be it will be.”
Those who buy no ticket win no lottery.
Everyone says “Time will tell.”
However, if time runs out, then who tells?

 If you ever just made it to the bathroom in time,
Or avoided hitting another car, by stopping on a dime,
You can’t believe the next one is true.
“Close only counts in hand-grenades and horseshoes.”

Being “blinded by the light” seems to makes sense
When you’re told not to walk into it.
But if there is no light, you could not see.
Again, it seems so contradictory.

 “Money isn’t everything”, with this I agree.
But don’t pay you’re taxes and you’re no longer free.
For those who say “money doesn’t grow on trees” I say, well,
You have never had timber to sell.

 “Times are tough” yes, it seems that way.
But they are no tougher than any yesterday.
“Life is a crap sandwich and every days another bite.”
But you’ll eat that sandwich to sustain your life.

 “He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day” and
“A good run is better than and bad stand,’
Say the same thing and that is grand.
But should you be fighting if you can’t make a stand?

 There are many more expressions in the human race.
And I guess each one has its place.
I could go on but “enough is enough.”
This is what I do, when not playing golf.


FarmGolf Dreamin’ – Nine Irony

All the greens are brown and the sky is grey.
I’ve been for a walk . . on Number One fairway.
I’d feel safe and warm, if I could only play.
FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.

 The clubhouse is like a church, quiet now all day.
Well, I got down on my knees and checked an empty keg.
You know The Commissioner left the course, but he knew that I would stay.
FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.

 All the greens are brown and the sky is grey.
I’ve been for a walk . . on Number One fairway.
I could play the Cayman’s, if Dave gets the job right away.
FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.

FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.

FarmGolf dreamin’ now that winters here to stay.


What Does It Take? – Nine Irony

What does it take to be a star?
Exactly how many under par?
Just when you think you’ve got it down,
Here comes another, low stroking clown.

 I’m not looking to be Tiger or Jack,
Just once in a while to bring first place back.
The day was perfect, sun in the sky,
This was the day for my piece of the pie.

 Half way through I was feeling good,
Playing well, thinking we could,
Then Eric flew over in his flying machine,
Bringing joy to the crowds on the FarmGolf scene.

 I went to the clubhouse feeling great.
Had a brew and filled my plate.
Later, I went to check the charts,
Ended up in fifth!  Ouch, that smarts!

 I mean, when five under par wins one tourney,
You’d feel pretty good if on your next journey,
You ended up five under, you and your team,
But ending up fifth, made me scream.

I felt my team was heaven sent,
But five under par was wasted, spent.
This describes my last FarmGolf event.
Just ask Uncle Greg, he went.


Creed’s Creed (It’s a rap) – Nine Irony in collaboration with Long Seven

 I will golf to the best of my ability,
Although drinking impacts my stability.
Yes, I am the “Doc of Rock”,
My guitar licks, you cannot mock.

 Now that I’m cured of Carlaiitis,
My “pistol grip” shows no arthritis.
I will fire my weapon every day,
Which keeps the women flocking my way.

 I will hold my place at the bar with honor,
Eating Moe’s wings one after another.
I will make the FarmGolf top five one day,
Due to how much more golf, I play.

 I will always come out on top,
Because my determination you cannot stop.
Although I hear bitchin’ all day long,
My FarmGolf life is “Da Bomb.”

With white turtle neck and turquoise shorts,
On the 26th of May, at Moe’s, he did sport.
The look of a man doing everything right.
And now he knows the significance of that night!


Evan Knows – Nine Irony

This poem is best sung to the song Heaven Knows by Robert Plant on the Now and Zen album.

If you were a Farm Golfer, then you would understand.There is a time to play, and a time to have beer in hand.
Cause when the clock strikes two, and you’re ready-to-tee off.
You hop on the green and off the golf cart,

Evan knows, any fool can drive.
Evan knows, hit it straight, not side-to-side.
Evan knows, what’s come over me, while he was swinging irons,
I was reading Nine Irony.

 He came to work on the course, and wrote a poem instead.
It was at the Christmas party he tried, but I was not impressed.
Saw the whites of his eyes and knew in his heart,
That he felt he gave his all, but it was barely a start.

Evan knows, he’s not as good as me,
Evans knows, when it comes to poetry.
Evan knows, but he just won’t see, he may be good with irons,
But he’ll never be Nine Irony.

Nothing will show as he is taking his strokes,
But then I suppose, deep down he knows.
He really knows.  But then I suppose, Evan, Evan he knows.
Evan knows, Evan knows, Evan knows, Evan knows, Evan knows.


The Joy of Golf – Nine Irony

There once was a man named Mike,
Who had a bunch of friends he did like.
He built a golf course where they once put up hay,
And invited all of his friends out to play.

 “If golf were sex,” Mike once did say,
“I’d do it often, at least twice per day.
Stroke it in the morning and through out the day.
I’d own stock in Viagra, instead of Calloway.”

 Mike was good, of this there’s no doubt,
“But twice a day?” His friends did shout.
“My driver is long and I have balls at the ready,
And with putter in hand, in the hole it goes steady.”

 Mike looked at his friends, their faces a-gasp.
While their composure they attempted to grasp.
“I love to do it”, Mike said with a scoff.
His friends smiled and replied, “We still talkin’ about golf?”


Who Are We? – Nine Irony

We attend every FarmGolf event,
And even more of our time here is spent.
Everyone with their long metal sticks,
Swinging at white balls to get their kicks.

 Some walk around with plastic containers,
Others crack jokes like entertainers.
We just don’t get it, but we’re not upset.
Is this because we’re all wet?

 The Commissioner, later, turns on the grill.
He stands there flipping and turning things still.
But this is all we can see, you see,
The only things in our proximity.

 That is it, no more to tell.
We just swim around in our watery hotel.
By now you’ve guessed, if you have class.
Yes, we are the FarmGolf Bass


Plight of the Duffer – WGS IV

It was a beautiful sunny day you see,
With clubs in hand I happily,
Took to the fairways in all my glee,
And placed the ball upon the tee.

 I swung the club with a roar.
Hit the ball and watched it soar.
To the right it went more and more,
A shot that wouldn’t help my score.

 But that’s OK to myself I said,
It’s too early to put the round to bed,
I’ll make that stroke up instead.
Hit the ball and began to see red.

 Two strokes later I was out of the wood,
In poison ivy is where I stood,
Chip it on the green, if only I could,
As it then bounced off the golf cart hood.

DAMN IT!  I exclaimed 5 holes later.
I didn’t mind the pond, it was the alligator.
Laid up, swung, the divot – a crater.
Wishing this round was an eliminator.

 OK, all right, there was no reptile,
This is FarmGolf not the Nile.
Although I left the course in denial,
The Clubhouse always makes me smile.

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